Just the Five of Us

Still Here

We are still here.

Life has been particularly busy and rough lately, and I haven't had the energy to keep up with the blog. Well, that and I've been stalking the iTunes store waiting for Angry Birds Easter version.

But I will be back . . . classes end in two weeks, and I have a nice break until my FINAL! class this summer.

School at Home

The kids had off today for ice. First, it was a delay. Emma came down into bed around 6:00 when we got the first call. When the phone rang again, she was right there next to me to hear the message that school was cancelled.

"Yes!" she exclaimed. "Now we can have school at home!"

Since we usually spend our days off doing what we want to do when we want to do, I wanted to have a bit more structure. So this morning, while the kids were eating breakfast, I threw together some activities for our "school at home." Emma and Owen were thrilled. Jake wasn't so much, but he played along from time to time.

First, we started out with interviews. I haven't interviewed the kids since their last birthdays, so I did them all at once. Owen's was full of repetition and parroting Jake and Emma, so I might add some "editoral comments" to his. Then, we did writing. Owen colored pictures of the letters in his name. The only letter he recognizes is O, and I thought it would be good to introduce the others. He wasn't that interested, and I usually let the kids set the pace for that sort of thing, so I became frustrated as he just jumped around and refuse to cooperate. I let him just color and he was happy. Emma dictated a story to me about the Farm Show that will go on her scrapbook page. She loves doing that, and I like that the journaling is in her words.

After that, we had snack. I gave the kids a handful of M&Ms, which I had them sort into color groups. We figured out how many of each color they had, and I introduced the idea of percentages to Emma. Owen did a really good job sorting all of his M&Ms by color, and then he promptly ate them all while I was helping Emma. Jake participated in this, largely because it was candy and he likes math.

Fueled by sugar, the kids got all their clothes on and we went outside to shovel and play. Jake helped shovel the front sidewalk, and they all loved helping clean off Doug's car. We stayed outside for about an hour and then came in for lunch. After lunch, we crashed and watched movies.

We started with The Land Before TIme and finished with Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. After that, we did a "This Day in History" activity. We talked about three things:

• In 1912, Robert Scott reached the South Pole only to find that someone else had been there about a month before. He died shortly after, freezing to death in his tent only 11 miles from his base camp.
• In 1882, A.A.Milne was born and later went on to write Winnie the Pooh based on his son, Christopher Robin and his collection of stuffed animals. Emma and Owen colored a Pooh picture that included a Pooh quote I found online: "A little consideration, a little thought for others, makes all the difference."
• In 1975, the number one song was "Mandy" by Barry Manilow. I played it for the kids, and then played the current #1, "Grenade" by Bruno Mars. Jake and Emma were both very familiar with teh song, and Emma told me, "teenagers like it because they like boys and stuff and the boys love the girls and want them to marry them" or something like that. It was vaguely disturbing how much she understood.

By then, Doug was home and I had to leave for class. It was a busy day, and Emma and Owen really enjoyed the structured acitivities I had for them. And I loved spending time with them.

 

New Shelves

It's amazing how some new shelves can make me so happy.

As long as they stay tidy :).

Easing into Summer

We have slowed down here and are easing into summer.

Things were going well until I fell, injuring my knee and left hand/wrist. I'm in a wrist brace for two weeks, on Prednisone, and go back in two weeks for a check up and possible scans/treatment if there is no improvement. As of now, three days later, the knee is starting to feel normal again. The hand? Not so much.

It annoys me because I was in such a good routine at the gym. I'm taking the week off and then starting back with swimming next week--no impact and one of my favorite exercises.

The kids are being pretty helpful--especially Jake (though he complains a lot). He's been buckling Owen in and out of his car seat (not a fun task most of the time), and he's learning to do laundry. Emma's helpful too, and she's next on the learn to do laundry list. She has dance camp this week so we're booked with that. I had stuff planned to do with the boys everyday, but I put some of it on hold while I heal.

But we've still been able to enjoy easing into our vacation. Late bedtimes. LOTS of playtime at home . . . the kids love it when they first get out of school. Getting our yard sale together. Trips to the pool. Ice cream. Playgrounds. Hanging out together. Reading. Lightning bugs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

waiting for ice cream at Sonic

post ice cream face . . . not too bad, actually
 

Dinner

With so many evening activities, dinner is a crap shoot around here. I had nothing planned on Wednesday for after soccer, but then remembered I had sausages. We got home around 7:00, Doug threw them on the grill, and I prepared a buffet of side dishes.

 

The kids LOVE when I do that. Between a late start to dinner and letting the kids enjoy the beautiful evening outside, we didn't eat until almost 7:40--way too late for a school night when all three still needed baths and showers. It was a little preview of our lazy summer evenings and cold suppers, and I cannot wait until they are here.

Weekend of Calm

This was the first weekend in a long time that Doug didn't need to go into work and the kids had nothing on the calendar (except for a playdate here for Emma). We didn't have to be anywhere at any given time (well, I worked in the nursery at church, but that was super easy).

There was some sleeping in (or trying to, anyway). There were pancakes for breakfast. TONS of laundry--that I didn't mind doing because I had time. Doug took the kids sledding. I cooked . . . real food. There was some Wii playing--Emma beat me at billards and was so excited. There were crafts and marker pictures and watching snow fall and talking about the things we like to do in the summer. We watched home movies on the computer and planned birthday presents for upcoming parties.

And, since Lent is not observed on Sundays, there were quite a few Girl Scout cookies consumed.

It was a good weekend.

Month's End

Where did January go?!?

Friday, Owen and I went to playgroup at his friend's house. He did a pretty decent job sharing toys, though there were a few moments. While most of the time I would rather let the kids work it out themselves, I felt as if I had to step in more often and direct and guide him. Not that I have a problem with that necessarily, as I know he has to learn how to treat others, but sometimes I think we micromanage kids, even at the young preschool age, in their interactions with others. I can see stepping in when things get too rough or physical, but there's value in letting kids try to work things out themselves.

We ran some errands after that and had a quiet afternoon at home. Doug actually came home at 5:30 because I had an appointment to make some meals at Dream Dinners with a friend. I came home to all three kids awake and running around, but we finally got everyone to bed and calm at a decent hour.

Doug had to work Saturday morning, so the kids and I played the Wii, hung out, watched cartoons, and did some chores. Jake had a 4:00 game yesterday, so we went to that. Jake had quite a bit of playing time and almost had a basket . . . it just rolled back off the rim. Owen was crazed so it was a bit stressful watching the game. Nanny and Ray drove up to see it, so I was glad had some good playing time. Then we had dinner at Friendly's. The kids were really good--even Owen--and they all enjoyed their sundaes to the fullest even though it was a balmy 12 degrees outside. We came home, showered and bathed everyone, and had them all in bed by 9:00.

This morning, I got up early to go to 9:30 Mass. Then I helped the PTO with doughnuts. I was going to work in the nursey this morning, but the school had an open house for the beginning of Catholic Schools week. I took Owen and Emma and hung out in Emma's room and chatted with her teacher while Owen played with all the dinosaurs. Then we went to the book fair--I bought all the kids a book and Emma spent some of her money on a Pinkalicous sticker book. Jake bought himself a LEGO minifigure sticker guide book, and then we left for Jake's basketball game. It was a close game so Jake didn't have as much time on the court, and he just missed yet another shot. One of these games, he's going to make it and I think all the parents will go insane for him. He's been trying so hard--we hope he gets at least one. One of the players older brothers said that if Jake finally makes a basket, he's going to pick him up and carry him around the court for a victory lap. Not that he could, but the thought is sweet. He's got a lot of people hoping :).

We came home, played the Wii, built some block towers, drove around some toy trucks, and made one of the Dream Dinners. It's going to be an early night for the little kids because everyone's tired.

It was a busy, but happy way to say goodbye to January. One month down of Doug's crazy work hours and only one and a half more to go.

A Simple Afternoon

Yesterday was the first afternoon in a long time that there was nothing to do. No dance, no basketball . . . nothing. It was also freezing outside, and I was not feeling all that great. Emma was wiped out, spending most of her time lying on the couch--very unlike her.

So we built a fort in the basement. I used blankets, quilts, the ballpit, cushions, and the clothesline. We all snuggled in--I read, Emma rested on my legs, Jake played his DS, and Owen ran in and out and climbed all over the furniture in the basement. We hung out like that for almost two hours until it was time to drag ourselves out and make breakfast for dinner.

It was nice--and no one fought :).

A Good Mother

As President of my local MOMS Club chapter, each month, I sit down and write a message for the newsletter. This month, I cheated a bit and my message was based on an essay I printed in the newsletter a couple years ago. I put together sections of an essay called "The Good Mother" by Anna Quindlen:

From “The Good Mother” by Anna Quindlen

 There was a kind of carelessness to my childhood. I wandered away from time to time, rode my bike too far from home, took the trolley to nowhere in particular and back again. If you had asked my mother at any given time where I was, she would likely have paused from spooning Gerber's peas into a baby's mouth or ironing our school uniforms and replied, "She's around here somewhere."

 By the new standards of mothering, my mother was a bust. Given the number of times I got lost when I was young, she might even be termed neglectful. There's only one problem with that conclusion. It's dead wrong. My mother was great at what she did. Don't misunderstand: she didn't sit on the floor and help us build with our Erector sets, didn't haul us from skating rink to piano lessons. She couldn't even drive. But where she was always felt like a safe place.

 The idea that that's enough is a tough sell in our current culture, and not simply because if one of my kids had been found wandering far from our home there would have been a caseworker and a cop at the door. We live in a perfection society now, in which it is possible to make our bodies last longer, to manipulate our faces so the lines of laughter and distress are wiped out. We believe in the illusion of control, and nowhere has that become more powerful—and more pernicious—than in the phenomenon of manic motherhood. What the child-care guru D. W. Winnicott once called "the ordinary devoted mother" is no longer good enough. Instead there is an über-mom who bounces from soccer field to school fair to play date until she falls into bed at the end of the day, exhausted, her life somewhere between the Stations of the Cross and a decathlon.

. . .

A lot of this was not particularly good for kids. If your mother has been micromanaging your homework since you were 6, it's hard to feel any pride of ownership when you do well. You can't learn from mistakes and disappointments if your childhood is engineered so there aren't any.

. . .

There's the problem with turning motherhood into martyrdom. There's no way to do it and have a good time. If we create a never-ending spin cycle of have-tos because we're trying to expiate senseless guilt about working or not working, trying to keep up with the woman at school whose kid gets A's because she writes the papers herself, the message we send our children is terrible. By our actions we tell them that being a mom—being their mom—is a drag, powered by fear, self-doubt and conformity, all the things we are supposed to teach them to overcome.  The most incandescent memories of my childhood are of making my mother laugh. My kids did the same for me. A good time is what they remember long after toddler programs and art projects are over. The rest is just scheduling.

And here's what I wrote in my message:

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season. We had a great holiday, and we are ready to jump into 2010!

 I’ve included below an essay by Anna Quindlen, one of my favorite authors. I like to read it every now and then to remind myself that my job as a mother isn’t necessarily to do for my children, but to teach them to do for themselves. Funnily, as if she could read my mind, my sister sent me a plaque that reads “Ask not what your mother can do for you but what you can do for your mother.” I promptly hung it in the kitchen.

 To that end, I’ve started to delegate more to the family. Just because I decided to be a stay at home mom doesn’t mean I have to do all the cooking, cleaning, planning, and everything else that makes a house run. I sat down, figured out daily and weekly chores, and delegated them out to the kids. It was actually quite entertaining. They fought over the chores . . . there was practically a cage match over the chore of Swiffering the kitchen.

 So far, almost one week into our system, things are going well. The chores may not be done to the standard I might do them or at the time I might want them done, but I’m willing to let go some of the control if it means that I get some help. And the kids are happy to help (at least for now). While Jake may grumble under his breath about emptying the dishwasher (one of the rules is that you do your chores without loud complaint), I love to see his little grin when I thank him and tell him I appreciate his efforts. And Emma practically beamed when I told her I had never seen such nicely rolled socks. I feel good knowing I’m doing a little less and creating good habits in my kids.

 I hope to use some of the extra time I’m earning to wind down and pursue some other interests and resolutions, as well as create some of those good times that Anna writes about in her essay. I encourage you to bring your children in and delegate at least one thing to them to help you out in any way . . . it will be good for them and good for you. I wish you a wonderful New Year, and I hope 2010 is a good one for you!

I like to read Anna's thoughts from time to time to remind myself not to get too caught up in the mothering race. It's a maddening one. The media and society have set a standard for mothering that is just simply not possible to attain . . . nor is it helpful to children, either. When I first quit my job to stay home with the kids, I felt lazy and inadequate because I didn't sign them up for a million things, I didn't spend every minute of my day trying to keep them happy, and I didn't like playing with them. I enjoy experiencing things with the kids--trips, baking, reading, arts and crafts--but getting down on the floor and playing? Not my cup of tea. Admit that at a Mommy and Me class and you're practically shunned.

Now, with a few years under my belt, what little wisdom I have has taught me that instilling independence in my kids is way more important than pretending to be a Barbie (though I did do a lot of that). I provide for the kids and create opportunities for them, but I don't usually play with them unless they ask. And I refuse to feel guilty about that.

To the end of independence, I implemented a chore chart this year. I've been saying I wanted to do it for years . . . I'd read blogs about moms whose two year olds were folding laundry and putting it away or read articles in the paper about five year olds vaccuuming. With five people in a small house, a busy scheduling, and an infant and then toddler who required more hands on time that I expected, it was easier and faster for me to just do it all myself. But it also breeds resentment and worse--it lets the kids think life is one big ball of fun, playdates, eating, and Mommy driving you around wherever you need to go. And it makes me tired. This year, with the increase in kids' activities, I found myself doing pretty much everything around the house and feeling very taken advantage of. I agreed to take on most of the household responsibilities when I stopped teaching . . . it's only fair, given that Doug is the one who has to work increasingly long hours. It wasn't doing the work that was getting hard . . . it was the lack of gratitude, constant assumption that I would just do everything, and lack of help. From everyone. That needed to change.

Now that Jake and Emma are old enough to really take child-led responsibility, I took some time, sat down, and made a list of most of the things we do on a regular basis to run the house. I put them on color-coded strips (daily, 2-3x a week, and weekly), and called a family meeting to assign the chores. This is what we came up with:

 

Emma was quick to point out that she and Jake had more chores than the rest of us, so I explained that many of my chores actually involved lots of little jobs that had to be done every day. She was okay with that. They also wondered why Doug hardly had any. Good point. I explained that since he works outside of the home and the next couple months are really busy for him, that we are going to help out by doing more and picking up the slack. When year end is over, we'll move a couple more things over into his category. I also pointed out that Owen is still learning and they should allow him to watch or help and teach them how to do what they are doing. The quicker he learns to do things, the quicker he can get more chores!

Both kids were very enthusiastic about picking their chores. We decided to do them on a monthly basis . . . it's too confusing and busy for us to switch every week. They are allowed to switch off with each other if they'd like, as long as the chore is done. As I mentioned in my message to my mom friends, this system does require me to give up some control--not an easy thing for me to do. And timing is sometimes an issue--there's been a basket of kitchen towels waiting to be folded and put away since Tuesday night, but Jake had school, Quiz Bowl, and basketball practice yesterday so he didn't have time. They can wait until tonight. I'm willing to give up control for help.

Because our schedule is so insane with activities, I didn't set certain days for the non-daily chores. We do them when they need to be done and when we have time, and that works for us. The plants, for example, are Jake's job. As much as I love my plants, I can't ever remember to water them. I taught Jake how to water them and how to check if they are dry. All he has to do is look at the list to know he needs to check them every couple of days. He's thrilled with this--as a very list driven person, he actually told me he prefers doing chores when he has an organized list he can read from. He likes everything in writing. Wonder where that trait came from?

We have a busy and crazy life, and I'm coming to accept that. The kids have something almost every night of the week, and I always said I'd never let that happen. But then the kids get older and get more interests and want to dance and play basketball and do Quiz Bowl and play soccer. And yes, I could say no and live a slower and less hectic life, but I think that they would lose so much. While we do spend a lot of time in the car, I don't think we are overscheduled (excpet this month with Emma's dance practices, but that's only two more weeks). It's hard to plan dinners, and sometimes they get to bed too late, but we're working around that. And though it's only been less than a week, I'm feeling less stressed already, knowing that I'm doing less and the kids are really helping out. They are feeling pride, so it's a win-win.

I realize that the honeymoon period will probably wear off and the chores won't be as fun. But the kids are old enough to understand--and should learn--that sometimes you have to do things you don't always want to do. I don't really want to spend my evenings playing chauffer, but I do it. I'm more willing knowing that I've got helpers who will learn what it takes to acutally run a home . . . and maybe learn a little more gratitude than we've been seeing lately.

Anna is right when she writes that you can't do it all and have a good time. Hopefully, as we start working together more as a family, no one (me) will have to do it all and there will be a lot more good times . . . or at least less stressful ones.

Welcome 2010!

We had a low key New Year's Eve, as usual. In the morning, we had a party for playgroup with a countdown to noon. We were a little late on the countdown, but none of the kids' noticed. We relaxed for most of the afternoon, and the kids went out to play with Doug in the snow. When they came in, we had hot chocolate and our junk food feast while watching Night at the Museum 2. We put the kids to bed around 9:30. Normally, we let them stay up, but they were overtired and cranky and getting over colds, so into bed they went--without a lot of argument. Until today, however--Emma was very sad when she found out we popped the champagne cork last night without them, but we promised her she could look for the cork tomorrow. It's funny what the kids remember and what they hold dear to them. It was really a big deal to Emma to watch us pop the cork and yell "Happy New Year!" out the door . . . we should have done it before they went to bed.

 

 

 

Today, I did a lot of cleaning, organizing, and trying to get the calendar filled out for January, which was mostly just crazy. Between basketball and dance practices, I don't think I'll ever be home at night. The kids played outside again and made a great snowman.

 

We had pork and sauerkraut for dinner, and the kids watched Night at the Museum 2 again. We got everyone to bed before 8:30, and we are gearing up for a busy month that starts tomorrow with dance class for Emma for two hours in the morning and a basketball game for Jake that we have to travel for.

Let the crazy begin!